Key & Peele: VICTORY.

Because I didn’t have a drop of alcohol last night and yet am still managing to feel decidedly hung-over, but it’s that happy kind of pounding-headed bleariness, I present to you here “Key & Peele: Obama’s Anger Translator – Victory.”

BWAhahahahaha! [Ow. Too loud. Shhhh, ellaesther. Shh…].

; )

h/t @coco_rivers (thank you Coco! Bless you!) on the Twitter machine.

About that Jew-finding app…

Dear American Jews,

I know we’re worried about assimilation. I know it can be hard to find fellow members of the tribe who like long walks on the beach and headbanging to classic Beastie Boys. I understand the limitations of minority life and the imperative of “l’dor ve’dor”—“from generation unto generation.”

But please. Let’s not be reduced to this:

App finds you a Jew

Yenta, a new iPhone application that connects Jewish singles based on their location, debuted about a month ago, the latest in niche matchmaking.

Somewhat similar to the gay application Grindr [note: an app generally described by users in rather graphic sexual terms], the free mobile dating service uses GPS technology to allow users to peruse the profiles of nearby Jews.

…“You can walk into a coffee shop and you can find out who’s Jewish and single around you,” said creator Luba Tolkachyov.

Am I the only one totally creeped out by this? The only one whose very first reaction to technology that literally uncovers Jews in your immediate vicinity was to think about where I could hide them if need be?

I have two kids, and please God, they should enter the Torah, the chuppa (gay or straight, I don’t care), and good deeds. I genuinely—really and truly—want my kids to marry Jews and even (in the fullness of time, and only if they want to!) bring me Jewish grandbabies. They’re both too young to date yet, but not too young for me to start dreaming.

But the idea of them finding partners (for whatever…) via what amounts to (IMHO) a stalking app…? She’lo neda me’tsarot—we shouldn’t know from such troubles!

Aside from anything else, can you imagine the conversation?

“Hi, my phone tells me you’re Jewish! Is anyone sitting here?”

Let’s just, I don’t know, build some more Gaga pits and maybe host another Kiddush or two, instead. Ask my friends—I’m good for the kugel.

Crossposted from Open Zion/The Daily Beast.

The Swedish Chef makes popcorn shrimp. You’re welcome.

The Swedish Chef makes popcorn shrimp (make sure you read the captions!)


You’re welcome.

h/t the boy!

Solving all your pizza/vegetable conundrums, in just 52 seconds.


You’re welcome.

And have a great weekend!

h/t BoingBoing

Good stuff: I want to grow up to be this little girl.

I do believe that I could watch the following nine seconds of awesome on endless loop, all day long.

I am particularly fond of the look on her face in the very last split-second.


Good stuff: Servicey!

Because it’s been a very long day, my last post is kind of emotionally draining for everyone I’d imagine, and this cracked me the hell up.


News you can use.

h/t BoingBoing

OH WAIT! I do have something!

I just remembered that I posted this last year, and the comedy routine in question will never EVER not be funny, and it still totally counts because it’s still Columbus Day where I am, and so here it is, re-upped:

Good stuff: The true story of Columbus Day.

Last week I started thinking that, gosh, I’ve gotten dang earnest around these parts — I should leaven things with a little humor. I should write something funny!

And thus I learned something important about myself: I can’t conjure funny.

I mean, I think I can be pretty funny, but it comes when the Muse sends it, not when I’m scrambling around In My Head looking for clown shoes and whoopie cushions. No, no, I must await the Muse! And thus, I also scratched “Daily Show writer” off my possible job list. Best to be honest about these things.

At any rate, do you know who is funny? So stinkin’ funny that merely quoting his lines to myself makes me crack up?

Stan Freberg, that’s who! (You were expecting Eddie Izzard, weren’t you?)

So, this being Columbus Day, I’m going to leaven the place with a little bit of Stan Freberg. It’s ten minutes long, but the video is (literally) a long shot of a record going around on a turntable, so you don’t actually have to carve ten minutes out to watch something — all you have to do, in order to remarkably improve your day, is listen to it. Because it’s fucking brilliant, that’s why.

(Truth be told, you really should listen to the entirety of Stan Freberg Presents The United States of America. But it’s up to you how much of your life you want to spend laughing).

Good stuff: Drastic subject change, or – Brent Spiner makes it so.

 Please note crucial update below!

Brent Spiner, aka Data, does a freakishly (freakishly!) good job of sounding exactly and precisely like Patrick Mothereffing Stewart, aka Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

Oh, I am so happy! It’s moments like this that make me glad I launched this blog, going boldly where no Emily L. Hauser had ever gone before.

:: does geek dance ::

h/t The Hairpin & i09

Note: All heretofore incorrectly spelled renditions of Mr. Spiner’s name corrected.

:: hangs head in geek shame ::


Crucial update! After posting the above, I tweeted about it & then checked out Brent Spiner’s Twitter feed (@BrentSpiner), wherein I found the following:

If I could get as many people to watch #FreshHell as have watched my Patrick impression, I’d get a sponsor in no time.

Followed by

In #FreshHell I do a pretty decent impression of myself.

So! Feeling somewhat chagrined, and out of a real sense of gratitude to Mr. Spiner for all he gave me and so many others during those many years of Next Gen (not to mention being a creative person who is forever trying to push herself onto an apparently unwilling public and thus can sort of kind of understand…), I thought: What’s this then? So I checked it out.

And it’s dang funny! The episodes are short, they’re weird (where have you ever heard the words “I’m pushing away a mouse arsonist” before?), and they are ding-dang funny.

So: Watch Brent Spiner in Fresh Hell! All episodes embedded after the jump….


Good stuff: Roughly the best response to Islamophobia that I have seen in, like, evar.

So there’s this thing: The Muslims Are Coming! comedy tour.

And, like, I almost don’t need to know anything more than the ding-dang name to know that I LUFF THIS THING SO MUCH.

But let’s be honest — wouldn’t it be great to learn more? Here, here, watch this news report!

And then you can follow them on the Twitter doo-hickey, or go to their website — and then curse the cruel fates! Because, like me, you only just heard about this tour today, and it’s on hiatus while the comedians try to raise some dosh to go back out and beat back the hate with teh lulz in other parts of this great land.


Still — even just hearing the name is pretty awesome, right?

PS Also, too: A documentary is being made of the tour, so my hopes are high that I’ll get to see it, one way or another.

h/t the very funny Dean Obeidallah, who I’ve seen perform live and on the teevee, and who has also been very active in opposing US Rep. Pete King’s ridiculous anti-Muslim hearings on Capitol Hill.

Good stuff: On the relative fortitude of the various reproductive organs.


Because I love you.

Although I do hasten to add that the following (while so funny that it may cause you to literally weep with laughter) IS NSFW. Not safe for work, not safe for parents-in-law, not safe for small children (depending on the rules about language in your house), probably not safe for watching on a handheld device on public transport. But that’s up to you.

You’re welcome.

Crossposted at Angry Black Lady Chronicles.

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