Dear America: Are you effing kidding me with this?

Thanks to Twitter and Matt Duss (National Security Policy Analyst for the Center for American Progress) I now know this, and now you have to know it too:

*

You know what, I’m sure that both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney are terrific bakers. Unparalleled, maybe. It’s possible that their life-partners are as well — I hear tell that the menfolk have lately studied the map and found both pantry and oven in these topsy-turvy modern times — and lord knows, I am all about a nice cookie. I happen to favor chocolate chips over M&Ms in this area, but I have no great love for the abomination that is “white chocolate,” so I’ll probably stick with my own recipe, thankyouverymuch. Also? I like a nice, chewy oatmeal-raisin.

But oh my God. Oh my God! Are we really still doing this? In the 21st century? Are we really still acting like the wives of candidates need to play the role of Harriet to the candidates’ Ozzie? That America needs to believe that the First Lady is our mom? That all Humans In Possession Of Ovaries are, by-definition, Good In The Kitchen?

I don’t know a lot about Ann Romney, but according to her husband’s campaign website, she’s been pretty heavily involved in some pretty good charities: “As First Lady of MA, she continued her work on behalf of disadvantaged women and children in her community and abroad… has volunteered much of her time to raise awareness of [Multiple Sclerosis] as a Board Member of the New England Chapter of the MS Society… One of her priorities within the United Way has been as initiator, co-chair and now member of the Faith & Action Comte, a coalition that provides funding to urban church programs designed to serve at-risk youth….” So on and so forth.

And Michelle Obama? Such a good lawyer that she’s the one they picked to train the newbie who would become her husband and ultimately our President.

I would suggest that rather than pit these two accomplished women against each other in a benighted bake-off that we conduct a series of interviews with them, together and apart, to learn their thoughts on matters such as at-risk youth and intellectual property law (one of Ms. Obama’s areas) — or, we could just, you know: Stop pretending the spouses have anything to do with it.

I AM AN AMERICAN VOTER, HEAR ME ROAR: I vote not for a family, not for a pretend mommy, not for a dog gamboling about the lawn (however cute Bo may be), and not for whoever manages to best meet some outmoded, useless, and ultimately damaging set of cultural expectations of female-vs-male behaviors. I VOTE FOR THE GORRAM CANDIDATE.

Honest to God, America. Cut it the fuck out.

13 Comments

  1. Gotta wonder if that’s Hillary’s chocolate chip recipe Michelle O is using. I’m sure it will be the same silently enraged grin Clinton used while serving.

  2. The irony is that FLOTUS is so identified with childhood obesity efforts. I’m almost positive one of her communications staffers was entirely responsible for this recipe, because that’s how it works, but maybe they should have turned down this publicity offer. Making sweets for kids kind of cuts against that.

    • The it-doesn’t-sound-a-bit-like-her copy reads: “If we want to splurge…”

      :: headdesk ::

  3. Bob Jones' Neighbor

     /  June 27, 2012

    C’mon, Emily. Stop the shilly-shallying and tell us what you really think!

  4. Captain_Button

     /  June 27, 2012

    Note that Ann Romney’s recipe requires you to buy the product of a specific company, while Michelle Obama’s does not. Do the Romneys own stock in Mars*?

    Also: Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.

    * Include you favorite joke about aliens or “Y are from Mars, X are from Venus” joke here.

  5. Let the guys cook. A real American male can work a kitchen. It’s one of the major reasons euro girls looooooooove us. >:-)

    I want my President to bake cookies, dammit!

    • zlionsfan

       /  June 28, 2012

      Exactly. Baking cookies is fairly easy; I would be hesitant to support a candidate who can’t even manage that trick.*

      Obama strikes me as a chocolate chip guy anyway. It’s pretty basic, and a lot of people like it. If he’s had a good day, though, like getting unexpected support from SCOTUS or dunking on one of the poor Secret Service guys who are never allowed to block his shots (let’s be honest, nobody wants to put POTUS in a cast, right? like no contact with the QB during practice), he might throw in some M&Ms or butterscotch chips or whatever, because he could. No big deal, right?

      Romney, on the other hand, doesn’t bake at all. Actually, yes he does. Well, no, he never did. Except when he did. These cookies, you know, he baked by himself, made them from scratch, had his driver personally pick them up from the gourmet shop from that place on Hanover Street and drive them directly to that fundraiser. He sweated over that stove for hours. (Is that where you bake cookies? Who wrote this for me? Can we check this? That last sentence doesn’t seem right.)

      I would love to have that question come up in a debate: What kind of cookie do you enjoy baking the most? Direct answers, please, and do not defer to the baking of your wife, your mother, or any other woman in your life. I want to know what _you_ bake. If you learned from someone, fine, but what do _you_ bake?

      *not entirely true – I won’t support a current Republican candidate until that party has been cleaned up, and perhaps not even then, but pretend for a moment we have two viable choices.

    • CitizenE

       /  June 29, 2012

      Let them compete on Chopped, throw in a Green and Libertarian candidate. If O wins, he can tear up about how his daughters taught him how to make such a good ragu; then they can run out shouting, “Daddy, daddy,” and throw their arms around him. Alex Guarnashelli will barely be able to contain herself; Scott Connant will proffer an all-knowing grin.

  6. No peanut butter cookie love? I protest! I take umbrage at this oversight!

    Seriously though, this contest is some bullshit right here.

    • And well deserved umbrage at that!

      I actually looooooooooooove peanut butter cookies, and used to make really good ones. And then I had these stupid children who have stupid mild peanut allergies (very mild) for whom I cannot make peanut butter cookies. It pisses me off no end, I will tell you what. I can’t even make them for myself because just the smell of the dough baking would make them feel ill! Damn light-weights. And yet they tell me they love me…!

      Also that other thing you said.

    • Captain_Button

       /  June 27, 2012

      Surely the definitive Presidential Peanut Butter Cookie was baked by Rosalynn Carter, leaving no room for further improvement.

  7. snailspace

     /  June 27, 2012

    Hey, better Bo gamboling on the lawn than a Romney dog gamboling on the top of Air Force One…