Things that are not allowed.

You may not:

1) call your shampoo “No More Tears” if it, in fact, continues to reduce babies & adults to tears.

2) compare a tax measure — even if you think it’s really really bad — to the Third Reich.

3) have sex without a condom if you’re not going to be able to support all 30 kids.

4) wear green to work if you are a TV meteorologist (well, ok, maybe once. Because once would be kind of cool).

5) exhibit “invisible” art.

6) give my kid an all-too-visible art project and not protect her incredibly cute clothes from the mess. (Yes, I’m still bitter).

And finally: You may not not watch the the following time-lapse video of the solar eclipse, because it’s just too wonderful to miss:



(Seriously people, is any of the above that hard? I didn’t think so).

PS It occurs to me to note that you also may not “catch a grenade” for someone who “ripped the brakes out [your] car.” That’s just crazy.



  1. helensprogeny

     /  May 21, 2012

    Lots to agree with here. But I take a limited exception to #5. Limited because ordinarily I absolutely hate conceptual art and generally fault it for being self-indulgent, self-referential, self-absorbed, pretentious and just plain annoying.

    But as a person who is frequently blocked in her writing, I can understand the blank paper. Also too the empty pedestal.

    There’s clearly no excuse for #6. Bitter on!

  2. Re #4: the water effect from that screen would actually make a pretty nice fabric for a dress. Just sayin’.

  3. stephen matlock

     /  May 21, 2012

    Uh, any more demands?

    • aaron singer

       /  May 21, 2012

      I got a list of demands, written on the palm of my hands…

  4. CitizenE

     /  May 22, 2012

    I do believe that while conceptual arts has its limits, it also has its place. I love Yoko Ono and Praxis. A neighbor of mine once threatened to throw out a painting of hers–a wonderful painting on plywood of a man in a sports coat looking downward at what appears, one only can see the tank in the background, to be a toilet, and there is the wonderful line written on it, “Where is it?” I have it hanging in one of my bathrooms, above the toilet with a one of those metal Mexican light switch covers screwed into the wall (no light switch however) at what would be in the line of the figure’s downward gaze, and a magnet I picked up at a Yoko Ono exhibit at the MOMA in SF–“This is not here” on the light switch, a fortune cookie fortune taped below, “you are getting close.”
    Where’s my wedding ring anyway–oh no!

    • The committee has met and agreed that you may keep your man in a sports car looking at a toilet, a Yoko Ono magnet, a fortune cookie & the possible loss of your wedding ring.


      (Though having said that, if you were to be displaying invisible art behind my back, how would I ever know?)

      • CitizenE

         /  May 22, 2012

        Sports coat, he’s standing looking down. The sports car is invisible–your mind only. Stop that or the Committee will bring you to the dock.

        • HA! I honestly thought it said “sports car” and couldn’t understand how he could be looking down at a toilet from inside a car.

          Clearly getting more sleep hasn’t resolved all my issues.

  5. But Emily, the Third Reich WAS a tax measure. It took slave labor, lives, land,clothing, personal effects, and all money, away from the people Nazis hated, and used the proceeds to reward its ranking members, and to finance a war of conquest that would impose the same tax on the whole world (except that the world teamed up and pounded the crap out of them before they could get east of Volgograd or west of the English Channel…although their U-boats spilt a lot of blood and oil off the coast of South Florida and forced gasoline to be rationed in the USA).

    The Reich is the ultimate example of a truly EVIL tax measure. All lobbyists seeking Welfare For The Rich deserve to be measured against this example…for they often differ in degree but not in kind.

  6. RE #1:
    1) call your shampoo “No More Tears” if it, in fact, continues to induce babies & adults tears.

    I do remember HATING that stuff as a little kid. BUT I recently saw suggestion to relieve clinical dry-eye by massaging a small drop of the stuff daily onto the lash line.. Who knew irritation could become a virtue?