Everything wrong with Americans’ understanding of pregnancy & relationships, in 2 minutes & 6 seconds.

Note: Image reflects my state of headdeskery, but does not reflect my actual hair. Though I wish it did.

So I didn’t even know this was a thing. So I have Alyssa Rosenberg — who I normally quite like — to thank for the vein currently popping in my forehead. Because I saw it at her place first.

So. The book What to Expect When You’re Expecting has reigned as the Bible of Pregnancy for years, in spite of the fact that it’s far from flawless. Aside from not being flawless, however, it’s also a non-fiction guide to the often surprising realities of pregnancy.

So, naturally, Hollywood has made it into a rom-com staring Everybody They Can Find*.

Following is the movie’s trailer, and as Ms. Rosenberg puts it, it looks frankly rancid. Why do I agree with Ms. Rosenberg on this? Because the trailer alone is making me want to stab myself in the eye.

While, as a former pregnant woman, I can certainly attest to the fact that being pregnant can feel uncomfortably like being a science experiment run amok (the only thing the trailer gets right, and it’s flown past in the first seconds and immediately buried in rancidity) almost everything else about this is awful.

Why do I keep using italics? Because it’s that bad. 

*

So.

  1. Pregnancy makes women incapable of brushing their hair.
  2. Pregnancy makes women want to hurt the man who impregnated them.
  3. African families on film are useful objects for helping American couples understand the need to reproduce and/or as possible sources for babies.
  4. Men need to be manipulated into wanting to be fathers (heh, it’s right there in the word, amirite? MANipulated!).
  5. Men Caring For Children Is Intrinsically Funny. (See also: Jonah Hill in The Sitter).
  6. Men Caring For Children Are Intrinsically Incompetent. (See also: Jonah Hill in The Sitter).
  7. In any group of men, The Black Guy is the coolest guy.
  8. The notion of breastfeeding is funny.
  9. Fat women who look confused are funny because they are fat, and confused. Also: Breastfeeding? Kind of freakish.
  10. If you are a man in a relationship with a woman, that woman becomes your mother and demands that you behave in a socially sanctioned, responsible fashion.
  11. One way women do this is by making you buy a house.
  12. When women in such relationships feel Something is important, they will trick the men they love in order to achieve that Something.
  13. Men honestly just need to get over being manipulated, tricked, and treated like children.
  14. Insulting a man by calling him a bitch is funny. Because when men are forced into doing something they don’t want to do, they are like women, and that is funny.

With the foregoing to go on, I will now make the following predictions:

  1. When the pregnant women in this film go into labor, there will be screaming.
  2. Also, husbands will be insulted.
  3. Furthermore, husbands will prove incompetent at helping their wives.
  4. There will be demands (made in deep, almost Vader-esque tones) to “just give me the drugs.” These demands will be made by the women who planned what will loosely be called “natural childbirth.”
  5. Any non-doctors involved in the delivery process will either be crunchy-granola-magical-fairies-of-weirdness (midwives, doulas, lactation consultants) or uptight-yet-ultimately-correct-followers-of-doctors’-orders (nurses).
  6. But all will glow, in the end.
  7. Except possibly for the ladies’ post-baby weight which, if the movie has time to address, they will totes obsess about shedding. Possibly during the credits.

Please God, can I go raise my children on the South Pole?

*Everybody They Can Find concept totally ripped off from Ta-Nehisi Coates.

Crossposted at Angry Black Lady Chronicles.

16 Comments

  1. Looks like this does for pregnancy what the Cat in the Hat movie did for classic children’s literature.

    • Did you see PCash’s response over on the Open Thread?

      “I breathlessly await the new film version of Our Bodies, Ourselves with Kate Hudson, Jessica Alba, Blake Lively, and Ryan Reynolds.”

      BWAhahahahahaha!

      /wipes tear

      Heh!

  2. BJonthegrid

     /  December 13, 2011

    It’s been OMG 10 years since my last pregnancy. Not only did I miss all of this but I never had a diaper genie.

    • Without getting into the cloth-vs-disposable debate, diaper genie ranks right up there with the light bulb and indoor plumbing as a civilization-transforming invention.

      • corkingiron

         /  December 13, 2011

        I’m on a Twain kick today:

        Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principle one was that they escaped teething.

      • BJonthegrid

         /  December 13, 2011

        So glad someone understands my plight.

        • I didn’t have a diaper genie either & I’m not even sure why, because they were around in my part of the world when my babies were born.

          It might have made their early years a lot more pleasant.

  3. KeithRichards

     /  December 13, 2011

    In any group of men, The Black Guy is the coolest guy.

    #7 is ok with me.

  4. Emily, I have a headache after watching that. OK, it’s really a caffeine withdrawal headache, but it’s worse for having seen this.

    • Oh, if I had the power to change everything that just gave you that headache, my friend, I would do it in a heartbeat. Pinky swear.

  5. What, you mean it’s not like that?

    I totally thought this was a documentary. Huh.

  6. wearyvoter

     /  December 14, 2011

    At least when Irwin Allen produced movies starring everybody they could find (see Towering Inferno, etc.)he was deliberately setting out to produce a disaster movie rather than a movie that is inadvertently a disaster.

  7. I spared myself the torture of the trailer and haven’t had any kids, but my sister did so I learned a whole lot and all of these things made me laugh. Thanks for making my morning!