Things that are green, or: The fantasies of a nerdy Jew.

This could be a Seder table. You don’t know that it’s not. And maybe that’s a Haggadah! Who’s to say? A Haggadah with a particularly modern-looking Jew in it.

Things that are green:

1) The Iranian democracy movement.

2) Kermit The Frog.

3) Me — because my internet pal/Angry Blogging Overmistress (aka Angry Black Lady) met a Very Seriously Funny Person yesterday (spoiler alert: It was Aasif Mandvi…!), and I did not.

But the truth is that I’m already on record as not really being interested in meeting the famous people I admire — I’m not talking about “running into,” I guess, but rather events like, oh, I don’t know: radio contests and meet-and-greets. If I won some contest that intentionally placed me square in a room with Jon Stewart? I would be in an instant misery of squirmy doubt and certain inadequacy. (I mean honestly: What would we talk about — how awesome I find him? That might get boring for him in a tick or two).

Anyhoo, this brings me to the following inconsistency in My Philosophy, Marty (remember kids! I-am-perfectly-capable-of-contradicting-myself-I-have-a-bicameral-mind!): Though I don’t officially want to try to schmooze with the people I admire from afar, I do maintain a running list for my Fantasy Seder (like fantasy football, but for weird, non-athletic Jews).

First on the list, of course, is the afore-mentioned Jon Stewart (who, you may recall, I mentioned, afore, that I would be too nervous to meet). At the Seder, I imagine he would be cracking wise about growing up in New Jersey and feeling awkward around his own guests as he passed the gefilte fish; not sure how he would feel about reading the Haggadah, but I’m willing to take that chance.

Then the list gets a little more random. Peter Himmelman — semi-obscure rocker, Orthodox Jew, and son-in-law to Bob Dylan is totally invited. I hear he’s a fascinating conversationalist with all kinds of rad thoughts on philosophy and theology (my source for this? Terri Hemmert, DJ on Chicago’s own WXRT, and a woman lucky enough to have chatted with Peter on more than one occasion). Heck, I’d even have the event catered for him, as I rather doubt my kitchen is kosher enough. (Peter, call me!)

Adam Sandler – natch. He’s a mensch. It oozes from his pores, you can see it plain as day. I think he’d be helping me get the food on the table, and actively helping ease my nerves.

And oh, oh! Barney Frank! Totally! I would feel not nearly smart enough to actually talk to him directly, but I would love to her him talk with, say, Peter Himmelman. Or with Jack Black! Who is, of course, also invited. Can you imagine Barney Frank and Jack Black shooting the shit over the matzah ball soup? Dude. To be a fly on that wall!

The Gyllenhaal siblings are also a shoo-in, though I fear I would jibber and jabber — and possibly giggle — over Jake. Given that I presume my husband will also be attending, fingers crossed that I keep that in check. And Maggie — the presence of the man’s Too Cool For Me sister might also impose a certain respectability. One can only hope.

Currently, the list is woefully short of Famous Lady Jews. And we don’t even have a minyan yet, and somehow, it seems a Fantasy Seder should at least have a minyan. So I’ll have to work on that.

But my goodness, Passover is weeks away. I’ve got time. And then — then! — we’ll just see who’s green with envy!

Update: Ooh, ooh, what was I thinking! Freshly minted Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan! She’s an awesome Famous Lady Jew. But she can’t sit next to Rep. Frank. They’d start talking DC inside baseball, and we’d all be like, What up, Elena Kagan and Barney Frank? Talk with the rest of the class! I think I’d put her between Jack Black and Maggie Gyllenhaal.

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  1. Oh, darlin’, think comedy: Bette Midler. Roseanne Barr. Sarah Silverman. Elaine May. Sandra Bernhard. Joan Rivers.

    Now, these bodacious broads may end taking the whole thing over, but it would be a memorable seder.

    • Oh, dearie me. Other than Bette Midler (and Elaine May, who I have only barely heard of before), I wouldn’t want to host any of those people for coffee, much less a Seder. Barr, Silverman, Bernhard, and Rivers all get on my very last nerve, and then jump up and down on it. Yikes!

      • Fair enough. Don’t know that I’d invite all of these wimmin to my seder (which, given that I’m not Jewish, wouldn’t, you know, happen anyway), but I’d TOTALLY want to attend the seder where they were all invited.

        And I do disagree about Roseanne. I actually think she, the person (more than the persona) is quite sweet.

  2. dmf

     /  February 8, 2011

    too late now but the chicago born socialist/bubbe prez of guyana would have been a cool dinner date:

  3. I love Peter Himmelmann! What a blast from the past. What about Natalie Portman? And, Ruth Bader Ginsburg is Jewish, too!

  4. Dr. Laura is apparently Jewish as well, but I have a hunch you would not want to invite her.

  5. sue swartz

     /  February 8, 2011

    Eve Ensler (she does know a thing or two about narrow spaces)(or is that joke too obscure?). Ayelet Waldman & Michael Chabon (2 for the price of one). Sarah Michelle Gellar? Scarlett Johannson? Barbra? And Maksim S. from Dancing with the Stars. I’d faint.

  6. About ten years ago, some friends and I once bid and ‘won’ a silent auction item at a charity event for tix and stuff for TDS (yes, we paid for tix that are normally free if you stand in line. I also got a TDS hat). Anyway, we got VIP seats and the opportunity for a quick meet & greet with John after the show. The thing I remember is that in the midst of making polite chitchat with us, his wife walked into the back of the studio, I got the sense it was unexpected, but the look he gave her -oy! So sweet. Nothing is more endearing than seeing a someone light up when someone they love walks in.

    • That is so sweet! I, too, love those moments, very much. Like when POTUS & FLOTUS catch a glimpse of each other…

      Speaking of Jon Stewart and his wife: I had the oddest thing happen when I imported the above picture into the post. When it first loaded, it was ENORMOUS – I mean, honestly, nearly all I could see in the space where I was working on the post was Jon Stewart’s ear, very nearly life-sized.

      And it has this faint, light-brown mole on it that of course I’ve never noticed before — never before being that close to his ear — and my immediate thought was “His wife and kids know that mole very well.” My second thought was “This is so weird that now I know that mole!” I couldn’t shrink the picture quick enough. I felt like an accidental voyeur!

  7. dmf

     /  February 11, 2011

    for you feeling better soon and friday:
    Being Young And Green

    Being Young and Green, I said in love’s despite:
    Never in the world will I to living wight
    Give over, air my mind
    To anyone,
    Hang out its ancient secrets in the strong wind
    To be shredded and faded—

    Oh, me, invaded
    And sacked by the wind and the sun!

    Edna St. Vincent Millay

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